Sin
by ThenWhenWeRetire
Summary: Judas has a crush, and finally decides how to handle it. Mild slash.


A/N: When you read this story, if you feel at all tempted to roll your eyes and say, "Come ON, nobody would do that…" just pause and remember that Judas's dazzling intellect has already produced the following: "I'm worried because my friend won't keep his head down, and he's going to get in trouble with the law. What can I do for him? I know: I'll turn him into the police myself! What? They're going to arrest and convict him? Shit, I did _not _see that one coming!" The guy is obviously not good at thinking through cause and effect. Anyway: enjoy. I think I had the 2005 Amstetten Judas in mind again, if that matters.

* * *

Jesus choked, gurgled, but the pressure at his throat did not relax. "Obey and then I'll let you breathe," came a rough whisper in the dark. "Put your hands behind your back."

If Jesus had stopped to think about it, he would have known he couldn't be in any _real _danger; this was not the end God had planned for him. But his primal panic left no room for thought, and so, desperate for air, he struggled to do as the voice told him. It was difficult since someone was kneeling on him, but finally his hands met behind him and then the rope at his neck slackened for just a moment. He filled his lungs in a huge gasp, but before he could speak the rope was tight again.

"Good," the voice growled. "Now stay still." One of the attacker's hands kept the strangle in place, while the other began working several coils of rope up Jesus's arms to the elbows. A knot was pulled tight, cinching his shoulders back painfully. He still couldn't breathe, and his head was already spinning by the time he heard: "If you scream, I'll have to choke you again"… and then the neck rope was loosened just a little. Jesus breathed quietly, and the rope was removed.

"All right. I knew you'd behave." The man no longer bothered to disguise his voice but Jesus could hardly believe it anyway, as Judas pulled him into a sitting position and felt his shoulders. "Is that too tight?"

Forgetting his orders to keep quiet, Jesus gasped "Judas? What are you-"

"Shh! If the others wake up and see this they'll kill me. Is that what you want?"

"What? No – and they wouldn't-"

"If they care for you as much as I do," Judas answered, "They'll kill anyone who treats you this way. _Is that what you want_?"

"Of course not."

"Then come outside with me so we can talk without waking anyone. Come on," he repeated, with a smile that seemed a little strained. "And don't be afraid."

"I'm not afraid; I trust you," Jesus assured, rising to his feet with help. "But I do wonder why you've tied me." He was trying to blow a piece of hair out of his face, til Judas stopped and tucked it tenderly behind his ear. "Thank you."

He followed him out into an alley and watched with almost amusement as Judas paced and finally turned towards a wall to say his piece. "I've tried to obey you," he began. "I haven't been with a woman since I came here. I haven't… touched myself in the way you've forbidden." He passed a hand over his face and shook his head. "But I can't wait any longer. The desire is… it's _painful_, Jesus, physically painful. I'm sick with it. I can't sleep. I need… I mean…" It was a conversation Jesus had already had with several other disciples, and he wondered why exactly he had to be tied up for it to take place this time. Judas turned at last to make eye contact, and he had his answer. "The problem is I don't want just anyone. I want _you_," Judas explained. "I won't ask you to sin. I won't tempt you to do things God has forbidden you. Instead… with all possible love and care, I promise… I'm just going to take you by force."

_??_

Jesus couldn't _think_, much less speak. He blinked once. Blinked again. Finally found his voice. "You wouldn't."

"I will." Judas came forward and took him by the shoulders, and he suddenly felt very aware of the rope... and very helpless. With his elbows nearly touching behind his back there wasn't much he could do to defend himself if someone really meant to... And he couldn't very well scream bloody murder out here, either; nobody was going to come out to investigate a couple of Jews brawling in the street. And even if someone did, it wouldn't mean _help_ - just a beating for the both of them for disturbing the peace.

Jesus waited a moment in case God was going to give him a flash of inspiration. When no ideas came he swallowed. "Judas..."

"I will. I have to." And then Judas really crossed a line: he stepped in and pressed his hips to Jesus's. "Feel that? There is no water on earth cold enough to make it go away."

At a loss for words, Jesus just shook his head.

* * *

Judas saw his friend verging on panic and thought it about time to remind him: "Please don't scream."

Jesus didn't scream, but he did jerk away violently and stagger backwards.

So Judas lunged at him and got rope around his neck again. With his hands tied out of the way there wouldn't be much Jesus could do about it; he twisted around and wheezed uselessly but the scuffle was brief and he soon sank to his knees, woozy and compliant. Judas touched his cheek. "I would never want to hurt you."

Jesus's eyes were wet but whether with tears or just as a result of the choking it was impossible to tell. "I know."

Judas took him by the hair and neck-rope and forced his head back. He kissed him with plenty of tongue, expecting him to either fight or cooperate… but Jesus did neither.

He did _nothing_, offered no resistance whatsoever as his mouth was violated. He didn't bite, didn't twist away, didn't even try to close his lips. Judas could feel saliva running down from his mouth into Jesus's and Jesus was just taking it, just swallowing when he had to and not fighting back.

It was easy, and in a way wonderful, but in other ways it was profoundly unsatisfying. Judas knelt down in front of him and hugged him close. "I don't know what to do. I love you."

"I know." Jesus's voice was hoarse, his throat obviously sore. "But Judas, you sin."

Judas felt a small twinge at the admonition, but it wasn't enough to stop him. He manhandled Jesus to the ground on his back and straddled him despite his struggles. With his arms tied behind him Jesus was arched uncomfortably, chest thrust out and, in Judas's view, terribly inviting. He kept a grip on the neck, and with his free hand began unlacing Jesus's shirt.

Jesus bucked even harder, snarling _stop don't you dare_ but Judas rode it out, squeezing the throat to make him a little more manageable. Jesus thrashed, gurgled, finally subsided. "Sorry for that," Judas murmured, pushing the shirt open so that he could get to the spot right over Jesus's heart. He lowered his head to kiss it and then sucked savagely, not sparing him the teeth either, until Jesus was squirming and hissing with pain.

Judas kept on, wanting to taste him and also to prove some ownership… and when at last he sat up, he was pleased to see bite marks and already the dusky beginnings of a bruise.

He pressed it hard, and Jesus winced. "You hurt me."

The words thrilled Judas; he felt guilt and excitement and above all a rush of power. He'd _hurt_ him. He could hurt Jesus.

It made him turn protective immediately. "I won't do it again," he promised. When he noticed rope-burn on Jesus's neck the feeling intensified. "Shh..." He threaded a hand in Jesus's hair to keep his head still, then leaned close and began to kiss the raw red patches.

Jesus's breaths were harsh; even the gentlest tonguing apparently stung but Judas didn't stop. He made his way down under Jesus's jaw and all the way across his neck, and he doubted Jesus realized that by the end he was turning his head a little to give freer access.

"I love you, in every way," he breathed into his ear. He was grinding his hips hard now, kissing in between almost every word. "And I want you, I want you _so_ badly…"

"I love you, too," Jesus murmured. "And I know you… _ah_… you want me in that way… but it's forbidden."

Judas was kissing and touching him, continuing to press their bodies together… "But it feels so good."

Jesus closed his eyes and bit down hard as his own hips shifted a little. "I know it feels good, or else why would people be doing it day and night with every man woman and child they can lay their hands on," he said in a breathless rush. "But I can't. I need you to stop."

"Please." He cupped Jesus's face with both hands.

Jesus shook his head, then arched up to touch his lips softly to Judas's. "Why can't you feel love without letting it degenerate into something carnal and unclean?"

"Because I'm a human being, and you're beautiful." The next time he swooped down, Jesus kissed back… and Judas made a short anguished noise. "But I didn't want you to cooperate," he reminded. "I didn't mean to tempt you to sin..."

He'd heard the change in his own voice, and apparently Jesus had, too - all traces of fear vanished from his tone and manner now that the danger was past. "Then you should release me and go back to bed."

Judas whimpered _please_ again. He ran his hands over Jesus's shoulders, his chest, his face... undulating slowly against him all the while.

Jesus smiled and shook his head in gentle, indulgent disapproval. "No, Judas."

"But you feel so good," Judas whispered. "I could stay here forever… touch you forever. Be on top of you, beside you… _in_side you…" he'd said it under his breath, almost inaudibly.

Jesus was now moving almost openly, rocking in time with him to make the friction all that much more delicious and more unbearable. "I will gladly stay with you in any position you choose," he laughed, "Provided you can conquer your lust instead of rubbing it against me. Please. It is time to stop."

Judas groaned and gradually grew still. His next kiss was sweeter, less desperate.

Jesus nodded. "I see you've changed your mind about doing me violence," he observed. "In that case will you please untie me? My shoulders ache."

Judas moaned his name one last time and then got off him. "Turn onto your side," he instructed, smiling a little at the sight of Jesus struggling in the dust. How could somebody so humble look so damned _dignified_ all the time – even while wriggling around on the ground?

He knelt behind him. "I love everything about you." And then, as he reached for the knot: "You're not going to jump up and hit me, are you?"

"Judas!" For the first time, Jesus seemed annoyed. "Will you show me some tiny little fraction of the trust I have shown you tonight?"

Judas untied him and helped him to sit up. "You're wrong to trust me," he said. A cold lump was forming up in his stomach. "I meant to rape you."

"But you didn't. As I was hoping." Jesus stretched his arms over his head. "You're a good man, Judas. Had you not been called to greater things, you would have made someone a very wonderful, very _passionate_ husband. And I…" He hesitated.

"And you what? Please."

"And I want your whole heart to belong to God, you know that." Jesus shrugged. "But I won't lie to you: I admit I felt gratified to be the object of such passion."

Judas watched him move. "Not gratified enough to _do_ anything about it," he sulked.

With an exasperated noise, Jesus grabbed him and pulled him into a fierce, open-mouthed kiss.

Judas sucked all the air from his partner's lungs in his surprise, then quickly got a handle on himself enough to kiss back. Even over the raspy mess of his own breathing he heard a purr.

He reached for him again, but Jesus pried himself loose. "There," he said, sounding simultaneously satisfied and angry. "Is that proof enough that at times I almost love you in a way that's not wholesome?" He sighed helplessly. "You are supposed to be _supporting_ me, not tempting me with sinful distractions. Please, from now on, in God's name control yourself!"

"I… I'm trying." Judas looked down. There was silence for a moment.

"Look at me." Judas wouldn't, until his chin was forcibly lifted. "You may kiss me and touch me all you like – as a brother or as a friend. Nothing more, do you understand?"

"Yes."

"And never, _never_ wake me up in such an unkind manner again, do you understand _that_?"

"Yes."

"All right. Now go back to bed – I need to pray."

Judas tried to feel only contrite. He tried not to wonder how Jesus would respond to being woken up by a massage, or by a soft chaste kiss on the cheek. He tried not to plan on finding out tomorrow.

He _tried_.

* * *

The End.

Pretty please, let me know what you thought!


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